Trauma can have a profound impact on our perception of ourselves and the world around us. It can lead us to feel unsafe and vulnerable, and can even impact our ability to form and maintain healthy relationships. When we experience trauma, our nervous system can become stuck in the defensive or immobilization modes, even when we are not in immediate danger (van der Kolk, 2014). This can lead to feelings of fear, anxiety, and hypervigilance, as well as difficulties with trust, connection, and intimacy in relationships (van der Kolk, 2014).
One of the keys to healing from trauma is being able to identify safe and unsafe people in our lives (van der Kolk, 2014). This would allow us to surround ourselves with safe people who can support and help us heal. But what exactly makes someone "safe"? And how can we identify unsafe people? Safe people are those who provide us with a sense of security and support, who respect our boundaries and listen to our needs, and who help us feel seen and valued (van der Kolk, 2014). Unsafe people, on the other hand, can trigger our defensive or immobilization modes and cause us to feel threatened, disrespected, or unsupported (van der Kolk, 2014).
To identify safe and unsafe people, it is important to pay attention to your own feelings and reactions in their presence (van der Kolk, 2014). Do you feel calm and connected, or do you feel anxious and on edge? Do you feel respected and valued, or do you feel disregarded or dismissed? In addition, it is also important to look for patterns in relationships (van der Kolk, 2014). Are there certain people who consistently trigger negative emotions or thoughts, or are there others who consistently bring out the best in you? This can be a helpful way of distinguishing between safe and unsafe people (van der Kolk, 2014).
Another helpful framework to help you identify safe and unsafe people comes from the book "Safe People" by Henry Cloud and John Townsend (1995). According to these authors, here is a way to identify safe and unsafe people using certain key characteristics, including:
Safe People | Unsafe People |
Empathy: Safe people are able to put themselves in our shoes and understand our experiences. | Disrespect for boundaries: Unsafe people may try to push our boundaries or make us do things we're not comfortable with. |
Respect for boundaries: Safe people understand and respect our boundaries, and don't try to push us to do things we're not comfortable with. | Blaming: Unsafe people may blame us for our experiences or try to minimize what we've gone through. |
Accountability: Safe people take responsibility for their actions and apologize when they've done something wrong. | Unreliability: Unsafe people may not follow through on their commitments or be inconsistent in their behavior. |
Non-judgmental attitude: Safe people don't judge us or shame us for our experiences or feelings. | Controlling behavior: Unsafe people may try to control us or make decisions for us without our input. |
Reliability: Safe people are dependable and follow through on their commitments. | Lack of empathy: Unsafe people may be unable or unwilling to understand our experiences or put themselves in our shoes. |
So, how can we identify safe and unsafe people? Trusting your instincts and listening to your own body and emotions can be a helpful way of distinguishing between safe and unsafe people (van der Kolk, 2014). If we feel uncomfortable or uneasy around someone, it may be a sign that they're not safe for us to be around. Additionally, we can look for signs of the characteristics mentioned above.
Healing from trauma is a journey, and it's important to surround ourselves with safe people who can support us along the way. By understanding the characteristics of safe and unsafe people, and listening to our gut instincts, we can make informed decisions about who to let into our lives. Remember, you deserve to be surrounded by people who respect and support you, and there are resources available to help you on your healing journey.
References:
Van Der Kolk, B. (2014). The body keeps the score: Brain, mind, and body in the healing of trauma. Penguin.
Cloud, H., & Townsend, J. (1995). Safe people: How to find relationships that are good for you and avoid those that aren't. Zondervan.
All humans go through trauma. Only the extent is different. This has been very valuable to know how to protect ourselves from outside. Thank you Shaniah for reaching out, making a difference, and saving lives one at a time.