Have you ever felt like nobody ever knows the real you? Or perhaps you feel
misunderstood or alone even though you're with people? I know I've felt like that all my life and I didn't realize that up until this point, I could not allow other people into my inner world because I was afraid of being "too much" or "too sensitive" or "too weak". So in order to guard against that, I began to mask.
Masking is a term used to describe the behavior of suppressing or hiding certain aspects of oneself in order to appear more neurotypical or socially acceptable. It is often associated with autism spectrum disorders, but can be experienced by anyone who feels the need to hide their true self; for example, you can have a part of you that needs to present as competent in order to protect you from feeling insufficient. We all develop sophisticated ways of hiding our parts from the world to defend against vulnerability and though this might keep us safe, it takes work to wake up every morning and have to put on a show.
Here are some signs that you may be masking:
You feel like you're constantly pretending to be someone else.
You struggle with social situations and feel like you have to put on an act or play a role in order to fit in.
You find yourself suppressing your true emotions and feelings in order to appear more "normal".
You experience a high level of anxiety or exhaustion after social interactions or events where you feel like you were masking.
You have trouble connecting with others on a deep, authentic level.
Whether you're neurotypical or neurodivergent, masking can have a profound impact on one's mental health and wellbeing. Research has shown that masking can have negative effects on an individual's mental health and well-being, including increased anxiety, depression, and burnout (Hull et al., 2017; Livingston & Happé, 2017). When we suppress or hide parts of ourselves, we may experience feelings of shame or inadequacy that can lead to low self-esteem, indecisiveness or shutdown. Masking can also be physically exhausting, as it requires a great deal of mental energy to constantly monitor and adjust our behavior. When done for prolonged periods of time, it can also disconnect us from who we are, leaving us with a sense of unfulfillment and isolation.
Masking is a coping mechanism that can serve a protective function in certain situations. Yet, it is also necessary to recognize when masking is no longer serving us and may be causing harm. As you might've experienced, it takes more work to fit in than to show up as we are. But in order to show up as we are, we need to feel safe. That's why in some relationships and environments, we can feel at ease and free whereas others feel performative, fake or draining. You deserve to have spaces and relationships where you can relax and feel safe to unmask. Unmasking is a natural process that happens when your nervous system feels safe; You can't force it. If it still feels scary or hard, you might have to work with a professional to help you establish a sense of internal safety and connection before you can begin to unmask.
Life is hard enough and you deserve to give yourself respite from having to show up in the ways you've been programmed to and feel free to be who you really want to be. The goal is not to remain unmasked entirely but rather to have the flexibility to put on the mask and take it off when you don't need it.
If you want to experience what it feels like to work with trauma-informed and neurodiverse-affirming practitioners who can help with this, book a free consult with us today at https://sacredspaces.teletherapy.io/ .
References:
Hull, L., Petrides, K. V., Allison, C., Smith, P., Baron-Cohen, S., Lai, M.-C., & Mandy, W. (2017). “Putting on My Best Normal”: Social Camouflaging in Adults with Autism Spectrum Conditions. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 47(8), 2519–2534. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10803-017-3166-5
Hull, L., Mandy, W., & Lai, M.-C. (2021). What do we know about masking in autism? Developmental Neurobiology, 81(1), 30–40. https://doi.org/10.1002/dneu.22841
Lawson, W. (2020). Exploring the emotional challenges of autism: Ways of seeing, feeling and knowing. Routledge.
Livingston, L. A., & Happé, F. (2017). Conceptualising compensation in neurodevelopmental disorders: Reflections from autism spectrum disorder. Neuroscience & Biobehavioral Reviews, 80, 729–742. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.neubiorev.2017.07.007
Neumann, A., & Eccles, J. (2021). The social costs of masking in autistic adults. Autism in Adulthood, 3(1), 14–24. https://doi.org/10.1089/aut.2020.0021
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